


Reckless

by mag_lex



Series: Series 12 fix-it fics [4]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, SOFT GAYS, Series 12 spoilers, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23378989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_lex/pseuds/mag_lex
Summary: Reckless: heedless of danger or the consequences of one's actions; rash or impetuous.The one in which Yaz and 13 are reckless not only with themselves but with their own hearts.(This follows some of the episodes of s12 but tweaks them a bit to maximise the gay and whump potential. Obvious spoilers for the entire season)
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: Series 12 fix-it fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653895
Comments: 43
Kudos: 107





	1. Spyfall

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine is making it very hard to concentrate and the end of this fic is at the front of my mind since my brain conjured up the final line this morning, so my hope is that by posting the first chapter (which I've been sitting on for 2 weeks! record), this might light a fire under me to write the middle. 
> 
> I have an AU and another whump multichapter on the go at the moment but hopefully there won't be too long between updates for this! Especially since Rescue only has one chapter remaining :)

Yaz decided not to sleep that night. She knew it wouldn’t end well and decided to nip the nightmares in the bud before they even started.

When Graham inquired, concerned that she must be exhausted after the day she’d had, Yaz shrugged it off and blamed jetlag - although she supposed that could be a semi-permanent excuse, travelling as they did through space and time - and ignored the way the Doctor watched her from across the room. She was busy with Oh, trying to figure out how Yaz had ended up transported half-way across the world, but from the corner of her eye, Yaz could see the Doctor looking at them as Graham supplied her with endless cups of tea. Despite the warm weather, Yaz accepted all of them and drank them quietly, relieved to feel her tongue tingle as the hot water hit it. She could practically feel the sugar coat her teeth and knew Graham had put more in than usual to try and help with the shock. 

She was alive. She had never not been alive, despite appearances to the contrary. 

Yaz shivered, despite the subtle warmth of the mug in her hands, and stared blankly at the wall. She knew she was probably being rude and that Graham was only trying to help, but she couldn’t figure out what to say. In a way, it was her own fault she’d ended up in that strange place. 

After all, the Doctor had asked how she and Ryan felt about undercover work and Yaz had leapt at the opportunity. She’d wanted to prove she could be useful, worthy of the Doctor’s trust, and it’d be years before undercover work was even an option in her actual day job. The fact that the Doctor had suggested they do it in the first place was an unexpected surprise and Yaz had shoved down any apprehension at the idea, even when the Doctor had estimated their safety as being only 40% guaranteed.

Yaz traced her thumb mindlessly across the mug's handle, feeling the smooth ceramic calm her anxiety. After a beat, Graham took the hint and moved away and Yaz felt some of the tension leave her body the moment she was left alone. That was all she wanted. Some time to think.

Time. Something that travelling with the Doctor held so much promise of. Except Yaz had been certain she’d run out of it. 

She glanced down at her watch, which had resumed ticking when she re-emerged in Australia. It had been unnerving to see it frozen on her wrist, especially because time seemed to lose all sense of meaning in that strange place. She could have been gone for five minutes or five hours and it would have felt the same. All Yaz knew was that she was relieved to be back on Earth, and back with the Doctor.

The Doctor’s face had been a very welcome sight.

When she'd been absorbed by the glowing shape, Yaz had screamed into a void and when she'd emerged on the other side, alone, she'd immediately wished the Doctor had been there. The Doctor wouldn’t have been scared. The Doctor would have come out with some kind of quip, or lick something and tell Yaz how old it was. The Doctor would have made her feel infinitely better about the situation she was in, in a way that she made as effortless as breathing. The Doctor would make Yaz feel better just by being herself. 

As if she could hear Yaz's thoughts, the woman in question stopped what she was doing and spoke quietly to Oh.

“I think I’ve got it from here,” the Doctor said, and Yaz kept her attention focused on the wall as she heard him leave the room. The moment he closed the door, the Doctor dropped all pretence of working.

"Yaz? Mind if I join you?"

Yaz nodded, eyes still fixed straight ahead. 

The Doctor settled herself on the sofa next to her, close enough for their legs to be pressed together. Yaz could feel the solid warmth of the Doctor's thigh through two layers of material.

"I love a good wall," the Doctor said, looking forward. If the situation had been any different, Yaz would have laughed. 

"Well. When things aren't walking through them," she amended. 

Yaz felt a strangled noise escape her lips as she remembered the shape emerge out of thin air in Barton's office, right before she'd been taken. She could still hear the voice as clear as day. 

_OBSTACLE_

"Sorry, Yaz," the Doctor apologised. "Sorry. I didn't think. Are you alright?"

She shifted and her boot nudged Yaz's foot, but it was hard to tell if it was accidental or a deliberate attempt at contact. Truly, all Yaz wanted was some simple comfort but she wasn't sure the Doctor was that kind of person. Words, yes, she could do words. But Yaz craved a hug and the Doctor didn't seem too comfortable with those. She could be expressive with her hands but the moment anyone touched her, she seemed to shrink away, and that was the last thing Yaz wanted. Even though she was in dire need of some kind of physical connection, she didn’t want to cross a line. Yaz could feel tears pooling in her eyes and she refused to look down at their feet, knowing they'd spill over. 

So, she shrugged. 

"I am now," she whispered, throat rasping despite the tea. She cleared her throat. 

Cool hands clasped her own and eased the mug from them. It was only then that Yaz realised that her hands were shaking. 

"It's alright not to be, you know," the Doctor continued, depositing the mug on the table. 

Yaz finally broke her staring competition with the wall and turned to look at her. 

"Is it?"

She needed permission to feel like this. She felt like she'd let the Doctor down. And part of her thought the Doctor might have failed her. When she’d been back in that place, all she’d wanted was for the Doctor to be there. She knew it was silly, practically impossible, but that didn’t stop the thought from entering her mind. Would the Doctor have ever found Yaz if she hadn’t teleported back by chance? Yaz shook her head, trying to dispel that line of thinking. The Doctor would always get her out of trouble. She had to believe that.

The Doctor's face softened and she pursed her lips when she saw the struggle Yaz was having with keeping herself together. 

"Of course it is, Yaz."

"But you... you're so strong, Doctor. No matter what happens. How do you do it?"

"I'm very old, Yaz. Possibly a bit jaded, if I'm honest. I've seen a lot of things in my time. Probably forgotten a few things, too. But one thing I do know is that it's alright to be scared. It keeps you sharp, Yaz. It can keep you alive. Adrenaline is one of the most powerful drugs in the universe."

Adrenaline. The Doctor really was an adrenaline junkie, Yaz mused. She probably was, too, when she thought about it. Normally it made her feel so alive but not today. Today it had led her into trouble.

A calloused thumb traced the veins on the back of Yaz's hand and she relaxed into the gentle touch, surprised that the Doctor had reached out. She was never particularly tactile and the gesture spoke volumes. 

"And it's my duty to keep you alive too, Yaz. I don’t take that lightly."

Yaz exhaled shakily. 

“I didn’t think I was going to get out of there. I thought I was dead,” she admitted, and as foolish as it now seemed, given that she was very much alive, it felt like a relief to say the word aloud. 

The Doctor finally took Yaz’s hand into her own and Yaz held her breath. 

“Yaz, look at me.”

She turned, unsure what to expect.

“I will never let that happen, Yaz. I promise.”

Yaz’s first thought was to point out that even the Doctor couldn’t guarantee that, but she sidelined it. She wanted to believe her, more than anything. And of all the people in the world - the universe - who could keep her safe, the Doctor was her best bet. She nodded and the motion set free a tear that she quickly wiped away. 

“Oh, Yaz,” the Doctor sighed. “C’mere.”

Before she knew what was happening, the Doctor had pulled her into a slightly awkward hug, but all Yaz could feel was gentle reassurance enveloping her as the Doctor gathered her in her arms. Her head was pressed flat against the Doctor’s sternum but Yaz settled there easily, picking out the steady pounding of the Doctor’s hearts with her ear. She listened to the rhythm, awed by its strangeness as she closed her eyes and focused on it, trying to mirror the Doctor’s steady breathing even as her own heart raced at the intimacy of what they were doing. 

“You sure you don’t want to sleep?”

Yaz could hear the Doctor’s voice rumbling through her chest.

“Yeah.”

“Want to help me work on something instead?”

Yaz reluctantly pulled away, instantly missing the contact. But she knew the Doctor wouldn’t appreciate her clinging to her like that for much longer.

“Sure,” she smiled. “Although I’m not sure how much help I’ll be.”

“Don’t say that, Yasmin Khan,” the Doctor chided gently. “You’re just the person I need.”

* * *

Between the two of them, they’d speculated about the data from Barton’s office and what it might mean. The distraction had worked, and Yaz had found herself caught up in the Doctor’s enthusiasm for solving this new problem, despite the chill that she couldn’t seem to shake. When her mind wandered for too long, she pictured the eerie columns rising from the fog, her own voice echoing in her ears. 

It helped that the Doctor had been impressed with her retrieval of the data, and Yaz had felt a swell of pride at the recognition. Still, she wasn’t sure she’d put herself in a similar situation in a hurry.

Except not long after that she found herself on a motorbike, being shot at. The Doctor seemed to bear the brunt of it since she was practically leading the charge, but Yaz felt a thrill as she zipped between the vines, Oh at her back and adrenaline sending her heart into palpitations. There was a crucial difference, this time. With the Doctor nearby, Yaz knew they’d succeed.

Then it had all gone pear-shaped. 

The man who called himself Oh had not been Oh at all. The Doctor had been snatched from before their very eyes and the plane Yaz, Ryan, and Graham were on had nearly crashed, until the Doctor had managed to rescue them. _Of course she had_. Even though the Doctor was no doubt in the creepiest place Yaz had ever experienced - and that included the antizone where they’d met Ribbons - she’d somehow managed to stop them all from dying. 

The events that followed had unfolded so rapidly that when Yaz found herself on the run with Graham and Ryan it felt like they’d entered yet another parallel dimension. Except Yaz was pretty certain Essex was unique to their own planet. 

Yaz loosened the sash around her waist and let her head come to rest on the wall behind her as she tried to relax. Ryan was out like a light, snoring softly, and she couldn’t help but feel a little jealous at his ability to sleep almost anywhere. Her mind wouldn’t stop churning, thinking about her family, her career, and, inevitably, the Doctor. Yaz actively tried not to think about the place the Doctor was in, or how she’d get out of it. 

She was so lost in her thoughts that she failed to notice Graham watching her. 

“You alright, Yaz?” he asked quietly. Apparently he was having the same troubles with sleep that she was. 

Yaz sighed, tilting her head back to look up at the half-completed ceiling. 

“Yeah. It’s been a long day.”

“That’s an understatement if ever I heard one,” Graham laughed, folding his arms and stretching out his legs to get comfortable. “Why don’t you rest? I’ll keep watch.”

“No, it’s ok. You get some sleep. I can’t quite switch my brain off, anyway.”

“Did you want to talk about it?” Graham asked, spreading his hands in an encouraging gesture.

Still, Yaz hesitated. 

“You don’t have to tell me everything. Just something. Might help take a load off.”

Yaz looked over at him. 

“Do you think she’s okay?”

Graham knew exactly who Yaz was talking about. 

“The Doc? She’ll be fine, Yaz.”

“That place, though…” Yaz trailed off, unwilling to talk about it. 

“You got out. I still don’t know how, but you got out. And she will, too. She’ll talk her way out of there if she has to.”

Yaz shook her head. 

“There’s no-one there, Graham. It’s just...empty. Like the inner workings of something. Somewhere you’re not meant to go.”

Graham frowned. 

“And has that ever stopped her before?”

Yaz had to laugh at that. 

“No. You’re right.” She sighed, rolling her shoulders to relieve some tension. Graham eyed her warily. 

“I hope you don’t mind me saying but you really do look like you could do with some sleep.”

“I’ll sleep once we get her back,” Yaz declared, crossing her legs at the ankles and hearing them click. She really wanted to go for a run, rather than be on the run; burn off some excess energy and tension and tire herself out enough to sleep properly.

They were quiet for a long moment, so long that Yaz wondered if Graham might have nodded off after all. 

“She was worried about you as well, you know. After she sent the pair of you off to interview Barton, she wondered if she’d done the right thing.”

“Oh?”

The thought that the Doctor worried about her sent a ripple of warmth through Yaz. 

“Yeah. I had a word after you left. About what we’d do if you got into trouble. But she knew the two of you would look out for one another.”

Yaz looked over at Ryan, who’d apologised repeatedly after the incident in Barton’s office. She knew he felt guilty about what had happened and that there was little chance he’d have been able to stop it from happening, but the incident had served to illustrate that they’d both been in incredible danger. That they weren’t as invulnerable as the Doctor seemed to be.

“We’ll always look out for each other. The three of us will, won’t we?”

Graham nodded firmly. 

“Always. And we have the Doc. Well. When she gets back, anyway.” 

“She’s going to have a lot of explaining to do when she does.”

“I’ve still not forgiven her for that iced tea. I meant to ask, did you ever tell her you liked it?”

Yaz cast her mind back. When they’d visited Alabama, Yaz had mentioned she enjoyed drinking it when they’d seen some in a local restaurant. But that had been months ago, and only a passing mention. 

“Once, yeah.”

“She made that especially for you.”

Yaz didn’t quite know what to say. It had been the worst iced tea she’d ever tried but the fact the Doctor had made it for her changed her perspective. As unpalatable as it had been, Yaz wished she’d appreciated it more at the time. The Doctor had handed her a glass and moved quickly onto decrypting the alien code they’d recovered. If Graham hadn’t told Yaz, she’d have been none the wiser.

“Still, better than the tea that Master chap was making. I’d take the Doc’s attempt at a drink over his any day. I knew there was something not right about him, you know. And he had a whole portfolio on the Doc, just sitting on a shelf. Asked if I wanted to take a look.”

“Did you?”

“Nah. I figure the Doc will tell us in her own time.”

Yaz nodded mutely, although she wasn’t so sure. The Doctor had been very good at keeping them at arm’s length, much to her frustration. All she ever wanted was an insight into who she really was. Where she was from. What made her tick. 

* * *

When the Doctor finally reappeared and right in the nick of time, Yaz was so relieved to see her that she almost didn’t realise she wasn’t alone. 

She frowned as she regarded the two women who accompanied her, confused by their old-fashioned outfits. The Doctor had dashed off, muttering something about a laminator, and returned alone. By the time she came back to collect her companions, Yaz was utterly wrung out by the events of the day, running on fumes and more than ready for a rest. When they made their way back to the TARDIS, the mood was muted and the Doctor chivvied them away so that they could recover. Yaz wanted to know more about what had happened, but when she went in search of the Doctor later, she was nowhere to be found. 

In fact, even when the Doctor did emerge, she was so distant that Yaz was worried something terrible had happened in the interim. The Doctor insisted on taking them home, then returning as usual in a few days so that they could go off and visit more of the universe together. She glossed over what had occurred, telling them they could discuss it properly once they’d had some rest.

Except the first time she returned, the Doctor didn’t talk about it. And each time she returned after that, she seemed even more haunted than the time before. Yaz couldn’t figure it out. What was happening in between these trips? She wanted to ask more than anything but the Doctor’s demeanour suggested that would not be wise. 

The Doctor had been a comforting presence for Yaz in Australia, and now Yaz was helpless to return the favour. It hurt, as much as she tried not to let it get to her.

They travelled to five different planets, each of them unique and new and utterly wonderful, and the Doctor had been her usual knowledgeable self, but something had been...off. She’d barely spoken, reciting facts almost by rote, physically shrinking in on herself and leaving her companions at a loss.

Graham had been the one to finally ask the Doctor about what was going on, after a discussion between the three of them one rainy afternoon back home in Sheffield. It had felt like the end of an era, in a way. Until then, they’d been content to carry on as usual, but something had to give when the Doctor was so unlike her usual self. Graham was clearly perturbed by what Oh had hinted at, and although Yaz didn’t want to trust what he’d said, it irked her that she knew so little, despite everything that had happened. She wanted to know everything.

Yaz hung back, watching the Doctor give them the low-down of who she was. The basics. 

_Kasterborous. Gallifrey._ Yaz wondered how she’d even spell those words if she tried to write them down, but they flowed from the Doctor’s tongue so easily. Mellifluous reminders of knowledge that the Doctor had kept so readily hidden from them.

The moment the Doctor mentioned home, Yaz lit up. She had only briefly mentioned snippets of her past - like her multiple grannies, or the fact she was a sister in an aqua hospital, which Yaz had never heard of in her life - and then she’d clam up or move onto the next thing. At first, Yaz had thought it was a quirk, the way in which her mind worked, but now she wasn’t so sure. She had a feeling that the Doctor was being selective with the truth.

When the Doctor turned and practically fled at the mention of her home, Yaz knew something was truly wrong. 


	2. Orphan 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this took aaages to get onto! Own Goal took over all of my writing and it still wants to but I promised myself I'd try and finish this before I start the follow-up. So this ended up being a bit rushed I think 😅 whoops.
> 
> A bit more angst in this chapter...also, if you haven't already, I'd recommend re-watching Orphan 55! I did for the first time the other day (before I started writing this) and I enjoyed it even more on a second watch :)
> 
> Like I mentioned before, this is loosely based on s12 so I'm hoping the more obvious plot can be left unexplained and I've picked up on bits to expand on/change for funsies. I hope you enjoy!

Tensions were beginning to mount, despite Yaz's best intentions. After the fallout from their dealings with the Master, it had become patently obvious that what little she did know of the Doctor was paper-thin and perhaps not even entirely accurate if held up to closer scrutiny. 

As a result, what Yaz had believed - that the Doctor always tried to do the right thing, that she was trustworthy, that she was reliable - seemed to be built on assumptions that could very easily be wrong. The rug had well and truly been pulled from out under her feet and to make things worse, the Doctor seemed just as badly shaken. 

Yaz had seen the facade start to slip over their last few trips. The Doctor’s temper was shorter than it ever had been and her moods were variable, degenerating to the point of semi-permanent rudeness at points. At first, Yaz had been worried about her but as time wore on and the Doctor became even more withdrawn within herself, Yaz's concern turned to frustration that the Doctor was shutting them out. Shutting _her_ out. 

Yaz was starting to wonder if she would ever truly get to know the Doctor. And if not, what was she doing? Looking for hints of reciprocation when there would probably never be any, especially not now that the Doctor’s walls were back up and more like barricades, reinforced and impenetrable. Just when Yaz thought she’d been making progress, it had been scuppered so easily that Yaz wondered if she’d truly made any progress at all.

Yaz kicked at some sand with a heavy sigh. Her own mood had inevitably been darkened by the Doctor’s attitude. Graham and Ryan had made an effort to keep themselves at arm’s length but Yaz couldn’t help but be drawn to the Doctor, keen to do what she could to help. Of the three of them, Yaz was the closest with the Doctor and it was in her very nature to want to help, but it was getting harder not to take it personally when the Doctor would express her irritation so blatantly. 

When Graham had told them he was tired, the Doctor had snapped at him. When Ryan had pressed a button he (admittedly) shouldn't have, he hadn't heard the end of it. And when it came to her own transgression, Yaz knew the response she received was nowhere near as bad as the others. But it had been the first time the Doctor had spoken to her so coldly and the brief exchange lingered with Yaz for a long time afterwards. 

_Might get you out of your mardy mood._

_My mood's fine._

The Doctor's tone had been civil enough, but Yaz got the message loud and clear: back off. And more than anything, Yaz knew that the Doctor's mood was, in fact, not fine, but calling her out on it had clearly got her nowhere. 

It had stung so bitterly that Yaz kept replaying the words on a loop, picturing the Doctor's face as she said them, for hours afterwards. 

_Might get you out of your mardy mood._

_My mood's fine._

Yaz cringed as she heard the Doctor's words echo in her mind. The steely way she looked at Yaz, without a flicker of warmth.

_My mood's fine._

It had been the first time she'd spoken to Yaz like that. Yaz hoped it would be the last. She shivered, despite the sunshine.

Yaz had been so certain they were becoming closer, slowly but surely. They'd even hugged for the first time and judging by what Graham had told Yaz, the Doctor had been overly concerned for her welfare while she was in San Francisco with Ryan, interviewing Barton. But that completely contradicted the behaviour Yaz was seeing now. To put it bluntly, the mixed messages were doing her head in. And to make matters worse, the Doctor didn't seem to notice what she was doing, or she didn't care.

So, since the Doctor was starting to lash out on a more regular basis, Yaz did the only thing she could, even though it went against every fibre of her being. She gave the Doctor some space. What was meant to be a lightweight comment about the Doctor's mood had gone down like a lead balloon and done very little to make Yaz's own mood buoyant, despite the fact they'd randomly ended up in a spa resort of all places, courtesy of Graham.

The moment they arrived, the Doctor expressed concern about being separated from the TARDIS. Yaz resisted the urge to roll her eyes. All of them were in desperate need of a break but the Doctor only cared about her ship. Yaz knew she was probably being a bit bitter but the first moment she could, she announced that she was going to find the pool and left. She didn’t even have her swimming costume but that didn’t matter. She just needed space, and she didn't want to burden Ryan or Graham, either. Both of them were just as bemused by the Doctor's moods of late. Besides, she had a feeling she was taking the Doctor’s moods far more personally than either of them. It felt like their little family was dissolving right before Yaz’s eyes, crumbling like the sand under her feet as she walked.

Eventually, Yaz found herself by the pool, chatting to a nice older couple as she looked at it wistfully, knowing that a relaxing holiday with nothing but her thoughts for company was probably not going to take her mind off things at all.

* * *

Less than an hour later, Yaz was running for her life. It certainly put things in perspective and she embraced the rush of adrenaline and the distraction that came with it. And the spike was huge, given that the luxury spa they’d teleported to was actually on a dead planet full of malevolent creatures called Dregs that had kidnapped one of the spa visitors, an old man named Benni. Now, they were on a rescue mission to find him, spearheaded by the Doctor and an angry-looking woman called Kane who carried a gun and who was butting heads with the Doctor in a way that made Yaz relieved she wasn’t on the receiving end for once.

Yaz couldn’t handle the Doctor right now, but seeing her take charge of the situation helped her shelve her thoughts for the time being. They had bigger issues to deal with and the Doctor adopted her usual role so effortlessly it was like she’d always been that way, not moping and miserable and distracted. 

Maybe this was why the Doctor always looked to help, Yaz thought. Maybe she needed something to get her out of her own head. Yaz could see the benefits of such an approach as her blood thumped, clearing her mind with a fresh rush of panic, fear, and a pinch of excitement. They were easier emotions to deal with because they were so simple, and they were all she needed. Although Yaz was glad the Doctor was on hand to do the thinking, because she wasn’t sure she could quite resolve how they’d get out of this one. 

It had all been going reasonably well until the truck they’d taken to find Benni had left them stranded. The Doctor had smashed the escape hatch under the floor with surprising violence and Yaz had been certain she’d heard an exclamation of pain but then they were out in the open, adrift and unprotected. It didn’t take long for the Dregs to surround them, menacing in the mist. They’d sniffed the air like hunters picking up a scent. 

“Can they smell us?” Graham had pulled a face of disgust, warped by terror. Yaz was certain her own face would show something similar. Whatever these things were, they looked lethal and there were far too many of them.

“We’ll draw them off,” Kane said, gesturing to her second-in-command. They were the only armed members of the group.

“But what about my Benni?” Vilma exclaimed, and Yaz laid a soothing hand on her arm. The old woman was understandably upset but the noise she was making was only going to draw even more Dregs. 

“I’ll find him,” Kane murmured, turning to the Doctor. “Find the hatch. It’s on that ridge.”

She pointed up to a hill nearby and although the Doctor clearly didn’t like their options, she nodded grimly.

“Come on,” the Doctor murmured, her voice low as she moved to the front of the group. She barely acknowledged Yaz as she passed but the moment they were within touching distance she reached for Yaz’s arm without a word, encouraging her to follow her lead.

Yaz resisted the urge to yank her arm away, knowing it would be petty. It was highly unlikely that the Doctor would understand why she’d done it, either. Instead, she deliberately slowed her pace and waited for Vilma to catch up. 

“Yaz, what are you doing?” the Doctor hissed, eyes scanning the horizon. It was terrifying to see the shapes in the distance, not knowing when they’d strike. 

Despite the prickle of fear that raced up her spine, Yaz didn’t budge. “I need to make sure she’s alright,” she insisted, nodding to Vilma, who was struggling to cross the terrain even as she looked for Benni. “You help the others.”

The Doctor looked so stern in that moment that Yaz wondered if she should have kept her mouth shut. She turned away instead, hoping to encourage Vilma to move a little quicker. The longer they stood outside the more danger they were in, but Vilma was old and Yaz felt responsible for her wellbeing. She was the slowest of the group, after all, and Yaz had a horrible feeling the Doctor wouldn’t even notice if she got left behind; it wasn’t as if she was particularly observant of others at the moment. 

When they made it to the hatch and found themselves in a dark and gloomy Dreg nest, Yaz made a concerted effort not to let Vilma out of her sight. It would be too easy to lose someone in there and the thought made her just as anxious as the prospect of crawling through an underground passage full of terrifying creatures with little to no protection. 

Her relief when Kane returned to the group was short-lived; she was alone, and bluntly informed Vilma that she’d not only found Benni but killed him. The gun slung from her shoulder turned from a welcome sight into an abhorrent one.

Yaz was speechless with disgust but she channelled her rage into something more productive. She’d get Vilma out of there, at least. But it didn’t take long for them to slip behind the rest of the group, given how distraught Vilma was at the news of her beloved Benni.

Thankfully, Graham took it upon himself to help. The Doctor was just ahead, talking quietly with Kane; Yaz could see the orange light of her oxygen monitor in the gloom, but she had no idea how she could even look at that woman, never mind hold a conversation with her. If she and Graham weren’t helping Vilma, Yaz wondered if the Doctor would have even realised how far behind she was. 

A tinny voice echoed around the chamber, barely audible from where Yaz stood but the meaning of the words was clear enough.

_Oxygen running out. Consider urgently refilling this canister._

Yaz watched as the light on the Doctor’s oxygen monitor turned from green to orange. Presumably the noisy alert was hers, warning her that her breathable air was running low. Yaz’s own was still green but Vilma’s had also turned orange and Graham’s rapid breathing suggested that his oxygen supply was also depleting. 

The reminder that they were running out of oxygen made the air feel even heavier, the atmosphere more claustrophobic than it had done even when they’d entered the nest. Yaz had to make a conscious effort to tamp down on the cold terror that was bubbling inside her or she’d panic. Vilma squeezed her hand and Yaz offered her a weak smile in return. It helped to focus on something else and right now, Vilma was surely in greater need of reassurance than she was. Besides, the only person who could truly reassure her right now was the Doctor and she wasn’t exactly close by.

“I’m sorry, Vilma,” Yaz said, and she genuinely was. Hearing Kane explain how easily she’d killed Benni had turned Yaz’s stomach and she couldn’t even begin to imagine how Vilma was feeling.

“As soon as we get back, I’ll be filing a complaint,” Vilma replied, her attempt at humour doing little to lighten the mood. “I suppose she was only doing what she thought was right.”

Yaz couldn’t help but think of the Doctor. Always trying to do the right thing, but by whose moral barometer? She might not be human but she had flaws. That was becoming more and more obvious by the day. 

They walked in silence for a while as Yaz thought about what Vilma had said, almost forgetting where they even were as she got lost in her thoughts. That was, until Kane abruptly turned around and shone her torch further down the tunnel, illuminating the scale of the problem. They were being followed by far more Dregs than Yaz had realised and her heart leapt into her throat. 

“Shit,” Yaz muttered. The panic was pushing at the lid of the box she’d so hastily shoved it in and she breathed shakily, trying to ignore it. Panicking would get her nowhere, and they really needed to get out of the tunnels as a matter of urgency. 

_Oxygen running out. Consider urgently refilling this canister._

So, when the Doctor stopped to read a sign on the wall, Yaz reasoned that whatever she’d found must have been important enough to halt their progress. 

“What is it?” she asked, frowning at the wall as she tried to read what the Doctor was reading. There was something underneath the muck and she impatiently wiped at it with the sleeve of her jacket, brushing it away so they could try and interpret it. 

“Nothing,” the Doctor said, her voice hollow. “Come on, we need to move.”

But Graham was having none of it and Yaz was relieved that he’d stepped in because in a face-off between her and the Doctor, Yaz would never come out on top.

“I said it’s nothing,” the Doctor bit out, pausing nonetheless when she realised her companions had stayed put. Graham ignored her in favour of squinting at the writing.

“That looks like Russian,” he said, his face pale. Yaz felt the blood leave hers when she realised he was right.

The Doctor sighed. 

“Novosibirsk. It's a Siberian underground station.”

She sounded defeated as she said it, like she’d had to admit to something she didn’t want to. But in that moment, shock meant Yaz could only offer a single response.

“This is Earth.”

Yaz turned to look at the Doctor, who refused to make eye contact.

“This is Earth?”

The Doctor nodded, briefly but enough for Yaz’s worst suspicions to be confirmed. Several questions instantly came to her mind.

How had this happened? 

Were the Dregs all that was left of humanity? 

Why had the Doctor tried to hide it from them?

Yaz could feel her frustration mounting to an uncomfortable degree.

“What-”

“We need to keep moving,” the Doctor interjected, looking past Yaz’s shoulder to the Dregs behind them. She was right, Yaz knew, but the fact remained that the Doctor had tried to hide the truth from them again. Yaz could feel rage twisting her guts, but she couldn’t tell how much of that was due to their discovery and how much of it was due to the Doctor’s behaviour.

_Oxygen running out. Consider urgently refilling this canister._

Yaz made a mental note to revisit this conversation at a time when they weren’t in such imminent danger. The peril they were in became even more apparent when they finally regrouped behind a barricade, Kane aiming her gun in an attempt that even Yaz knew was futile.

“You don’t have enough ammunition,” the Doctor commented, to which Kane offered a blunt nod in response. 

“We’ll need to run for it.”

Yaz’s heart sank.

“Vilma can’t run,” she pointed out, glancing at the Doctor. Her mouth was drawn into a line and she looked like she was mentally weighing up their options. 

“Doctor? What can we do?”

“Just need a minute,” the Doctor said, and Yaz could see her trying to figure out a plan that would lead them all to safety. Instead of pacing like she normally did she had clenched her fists, holding one to her forehead as her mind worked.

But before Yaz could realise what was happening, Vilma was making a break for it. She moved surprisingly fast, telling Yaz to run even as she ran in the opposite direction. Instinctively, Yaz moved to leave the barricade and bring her back but a strong grip around her arm stopped her instantly. 

“Don’t, Yaz.”

The Doctor’s voice in her ear. 

“Which one of you hurt my Benni?”

Yaz felt her heart breaking at the tragic way two people had been murdered. Two people who loved each other very much, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Surely a love story shouldn’t end like that?

“Doctor-”

“Yaz, come on. We need to leave.”

A scream echoed throughout the chamber and Yaz thought she was going to be sick.

“We need to help her!”

_Find breathable air immediately. Oxygen supply level 1%._

The Doctor held up her wrist in dismay, the light strip glowing red. 

“We can’t, Yaz. I’m sorry. Please.”

That, and the abrupt end of the screaming, made Yaz’s decision for her. She looked over the barricade just in time to see the shadows descend on Vilma and eviscerate her.

On leaden legs, and without another word, Yaz stumbled to her feet and followed Kane. She felt numb and paid little mind to where she was stepping. Maybe it would only be a matter of time before they all ended up like Vilma, ripped limb from limb. Even if they got back to the spa, what would happen? It felt pointless.

“That’s it, Yaz. Come on.” Graham, now, his hand on her arm. Yaz distantly realised she was crying. 

It just wasn’t fair. 

What had just happened wasn’t fair. What was happening to all of them, right now, wasn’t fair. The way the Doctor was acting and the way she made Yaz feel...that wasn’t fair, either. 

Yaz wiped at her eyes but stumbled nonetheless, grateful for Graham’s steadying presence. 

“You’re alright, love,” he murmured, and Yaz knew he was probably just as affected by what had happened. He just didn’t have quite so many other feelings piling on top, feelings that centred around the woman who was bringing up the rear. 

_Oxygen running out. Consider urgently refilling this canister._

Graham was apparently starting to run out of oxygen, too. It was only a matter of time before Yaz’s monitor did the same. She’d never had to take air for granted before. She’d never even been to a spa but she was sure they weren’t meant to be this stressful, and Yaz had a feeling she’d never get to go to one.

Yaz wanted to go home. Then she laughed, even as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Technically she _was_ home. With a heavy sigh, she picked up the pace. If she was going to die, she was going to at least get out of these tunnels, first. See daylight one last time.

“You ever wonder about your life decisions?”

To his credit, Graham didn’t question where she was coming from. 

“All the time. Quite a lot, recently, if I’m honest. But at the end of the day I’d never change ‘em.”

“Really? Even if we die here?”

“Talk about depressing, Yaz. You’ve got to think positive or you’ll get nowhere. That’s what the Doc’s like, isn’t she? Always seeing the positives.”

“Not at the moment, she isn’t.”

For once, Graham didn’t have an answer prepared. 

“You must have noticed it?” Yaz continued, wanting to hear what Graham had to say about it. He and the Doctor had a different kind of relationship to the one Yaz had with the Doctor, but Yaz knew that the Doctor had been acting differently around all of them. It was something of an elephant in the room, though, because none of them seemed to want to discuss it.

“She’s been a little...off, maybe. But give it time, Yaz. I think she’ll tell us in her own way. And right now we have bigger fish to fry.”

Yaz sighed, knowing that he was right, and then realised to her dismay that sighing was a huge waste of oxygen. It was surprising she had any air left given the day they’d had.

“Talking of,” Graham muttered, suddenly stopping to look back. “I haven’t heard the Doc’s alarm in a while.”

Yaz frowned. He was right. She turned to look but the Doctor was not behind them and Yaz felt her stomach lurch as she scanned the darkness for any signs of life. Not even the light from her oxygen monitor was visible.

They’d left her behind.

“Kane!” she called out, relieved when the woman stopped. She paused for a moment, waiting to hear if any Dregs were nearby, but there was blessed silence and Yaz felt her heart rate start to settle. It had been a risk to shout, but it was the most efficient course of action. 

“The Doctor. She’s gone.”

Kane adjusted her gun strap, making a show of inspecting her oxygen monitor. It was orange, and now Yaz’s was, too. 

“I’m going back for her,” she told Graham, not waiting for an answer before she headed back the way they’d just come. She could hear him say something but the words were lost on her, swallowed up by the darkness.

Try as Yaz might to put some distance between herself and the Doctor, she just couldn’t leave her like that, and definitely not when they had unfinished business. The thought propelled her onwards even as she stepped carefully, wary of encountering any of the Dregs that were presumably still hunting them. All she had for company was the sound of her own harsh breathing, reminding her that her own oxygen supply was going to diminish before long. The orange glow on her wrist would soon turn red, like the Doctor’s had. 

That had been a while ago, Yaz realised. She’d been so busy talking about things with Graham, annoyed at the Doctor, that she’d not even realised the Doctor was no longer with them. Guilt ate away at Yaz’s irritation, lending itself to the fear that had wrapped itself around her stomach and squeezed. 

To her immense relief it didn’t take long to find the Doctor, although in truth, Yaz was guided more by the strip of light than anything else; in the gloom it was so hard to make anything out and if it hadn’t been for the red, flashing light on the ground, Yaz could have walked past her. The alert grew louder as Yaz walked closer, resisting the urge to break into a run in case she made too much noise.

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

Yaz tried to ignore the message but it inspired full-blown panic to finally emerge when she realised the Doctor was actually slumped against the wall, eyes closed, chin resting on her chest like she was having an impromptu nap. But her chest didn’t seem to be moving and although it took a second for Yaz to realise, the moment she did she let out a noise of shock. 

“Doctor?” Yaz crouched in front of her and gently shook her shoulder, knowing full well that if the Doctor wasn’t breathing then it was very unlikely that she was conscious, but she had to be sure. 

As if in slow motion, the Doctor slid to the floor in a heap, motionless.

For a moment Yaz crouched there, helpless, her arm still outstretched and frozen in place.

“Yaz!” Graham hissed, and she heard the sound of feet rushing up to her. Then others.

“Is she dead?”

Kane.

Yaz shook her head in disbelief. The Doctor couldn’t be dead. Of all the ways for this to happen, this was not what Yaz could ever have contemplated. If the Doctor was ever going to die - and presumably she would, at some point, although she’d barely explained that part - it wasn’t going to be like this, stuck in some dingy tunnel on a dead planet, alone. 

Except, to all intents and purposes, she had.

Graham reached out for the Doctor’s wrist, his face gloomy. Yaz held her breath as she awaited his verdict.

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

“She’s got a pulse!” he exclaimed, and Yaz fell back on her arse in surprise. The relief that flooded her veins was so sweet that she thought she could cry and laugh, all at once. 

“She’s got a pulse,” Graham repeated, “but it’s weak. We need to get her some air.”

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

Gently, he tapped the Doctor’s cheek. When he got no response he tapped a little harder, apologising even as she flinched awake. 

Her answering wheeze made Yaz hold her own breath, and she clutched at her chest as she watched the Doctor do the same. The Doctor might not be human, but she definitely needed oxygen.

“Come on, sunshine,” Graham muttered, moving quickly. “Yaz, help me get her up.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for the Dregs,” Kane offered, training her gun down the corridor as Yaz moved to help Graham as he pulled the Doctor away from the wall. 

Even though the Doctor barely seemed to understand what was going on, she groaned as her legs limply scrambled to help. 

Yaz crouched and slid the Doctor’s arm over her shoulder, the cramped space making things difficult as her head passed entirely too close to Graham’s. But they managed to avoid further incident, timing an upward lift that got the Doctor upright relatively easily. Within seconds she was essentially a dead weight, hanging limply between them and listing dangerously to one side. Yaz’s side, as it turned out. Her weak breaths stirred against Yaz’s neck, tickling the skin there. But Yaz could put up with the mild irritation if it meant she knew the Doctor was still breathing. 

“Come on,” she grunted, tightening her grip around the Doctor’s waist. “You’ll have to help us, Doctor.”

“Yeah,” the Doctor exhaled, taking in a wheezing breath. It was obvious she was getting nowhere near enough oxygen. Her nose was cold against Yaz’s ear.

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

The repeated warning was loud enough to make Yaz anxious that the Dregs would find them before they could make it to safety.

Yaz nearly stopped outright when the air tickling her neck stopped for too long, but then the Doctor took a deep, shuddering breath. Yaz could feel her ribs expand against her palm, pressing against the side of her own chest as the Doctor took in as much air as she could manage. The thought was terrifying; the Doctor was slowly suffocating. 

“Doc, take it easy,” Graham encouraged, even as he tried to conserve his own air supply. “Shallow breaths.”

Yaz bit her lip as they nearly stumbled, feeling the burn in her shoulders multiply as they made their way back. In the distance, she could see a light at the end of the tunnel, and someone standing underneath it. Judging by the height - and the green hair - it was Sylas. The sight of him was very welcome, but Yaz knew they weren’t out of the woods yet. 

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

“Talk….too….much,” the Doctor rasped, head rolling backwards in a mockery of laughter. 

“You do. Sometimes. Sometimes, not enough,” Yaz grumbled. She was starting to sweat with the effort of carrying the Doctor, and from the sheer stress of the situation. She really did need a holiday after this. 

“Sorry,” the Doctor gasped.

“Stop talking!” Yaz replied, ignoring Graham’s chuckle. 

The Doctor’s head leaned into hers, the pressure a welcome once. Even in the dim light, Yaz could see that her lips were turning blue. She adjusted her grip around the Doctor’s waist, feeling how skinny she was under her shirts. Yaz wondered if she’d always been that skinny or if she’d not been looking after herself, of late; she was certain her clothes normally fit a bit better, now that she thought of it. 

She cursed herself for not paying attention to the more obvious clues. 

_Refill oxygen canister. Find breathable air. Failure to do so will result in threat to life._

How foolish they’d all been, heading out into the great unknown with only a limited supply of oxygen. In retrospect it hadn’t been the wisest of decisions, although Yaz knew the Doctor had only acted on the information she had available; still, she knew the Doctor also got a thrill from challenging situations. Yaz did, too. If they hadn’t been in such mortal danger, Yaz might have found the whole thing exciting. 

The Doctor wheezed in her ear and Yaz gritted her teeth. 

“We need to move faster,” she panted, but even then she could feel the Doctor starting to slip out of her grasp as her body grew even heavier. 

“Doc?” Graham asked, similarly struggling. Kane came to their rescue, jogging up the tunnel. 

“Let me,” she insisted, handing Yaz her gun and bodily picking up the Doctor like she was made of air. 

Yaz gawped as she watched Kane march to the exit, the Doctor flung over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes. The gun was warm in her hands and she clenched it tight, looking back even as they made it to safety. 

“Never...doing that….again,” Graham panted, peeling the strip off his nose the moment they were safely back inside the spa. Yaz did the same, then headed straight to Kane, who’d carefully deposited the Doctor on a nearby table. Without a word, she reached for her gun. Yaz happily swapped it for responsibility for the Doctor.

“Yaz?” the Doctor murmured, half conscious but breathing deep.

“I’m here,” Yaz assured her, peeling the strip from the Doctor’s nose. She looked much better without it, although her lips were still tinged with blue and she was as white as a sheet. 

_Oxygen supply refilling. Oxygen supply refilling. Oxygen supply refilling._

“Yes, we get it,” Yaz grumbled, tugging off the Doctor’s oxygen monitor to finally silence the noise. But the Doctor recoiled at the motion, hissing in pain. 

“Doctor? What’s wrong?”

The Doctor mumbled something under her breath, which was still more laboured than Yaz liked. Realising she wasn’t going to get an answer out of her, Yaz reached for her hand. 

“‘s nothing,” the Doctor mumbled, trying to pull it away. 

But it was too late; Yaz had seen the damage. She knew she’d heard something when the Doctor smashed the glass in the truck, and now she was seeing the damage: the side of her hand was jaggedly torn open, her palm covered in blood. It had seeped into the sleeve of her coat, staining it. 

“You’re hurt,” Yaz breathed, her stomach turning at the gory injury and the realisation that she’d yanked something over it so hard. “You didn’t say.”

“More important things to worry about,” the Doctor said, pushing herself upright with her good hand, even as Yaz gingerly held the wounded one. She sounded stronger than she had only minutes ago. “Like right now. We need to get going, Yaz.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz so earnestly that she almost agreed without hesitation. Then she felt a gush of warm blood against her fingertips and shook her head. The most imminent danger had passed, and Yaz couldn’t bear the idea of the Doctor being in pain. And if the Doctor wasn’t going to look after herself, the least Yaz could do was patch her up.

“No. Just give it a second. For me. Please?” she pleaded. She turned to Kane and asked where the nearest first aid kit was, and Graham jumped at the opportunity to help. 

“We don’t have a second,” the Doctor replied, a flash of steel in her gaze. She wasn’t used to people pushing back and she’d had enough of that with Kane already. But Yaz wasn’t budging. Whatever her feelings for the Doctor - and there were many of them - she needed to learn to stand her ground. She hated that the Doctor was hurting and hiding it.

“We have plenty of seconds,” Yaz insisted. “Ryan should be here. In fact, I’m sure Graham’s about to go and find him after he gets back.”

The Doctor sighed, shifting as her legs swung over the edge of the table. Yaz moved in, blocking her with her body in an attempt to stop her slipping off the side and away into danger. 

“Until I wrap your hand, it’s going to bleed everywhere. And I know how much you like this coat.”

The Doctor was speechless, for once, and Yaz took that as a victory. She was still basking in it when Graham returned with a box that yielded everything Yaz needed. He hovered momentarily, before Yaz put him out of his misery.

“Go on, Graham. Go find Ryan. I think Kane will want to go with you,” Yaz suggested, hoping it was true. As much as she’d needed some space from the Doctor, she needed some time to breathe and after the fright she’d just had, she realised that space was the last thing she actually wanted. Even so, she could feel her heart pounding once they were finally left alone. 

Yaz reluctantly let go of the Doctor’s hand to rummage in the kit that Graham had deposited next to her on the table. The Doctor watched her quietly and Yaz appreciated the silence. It helped her gather her thoughts as she started to clean the wound. 

“Yaz, are you alright?”

Yaz was glad she had something else to concentrate on because she wasn’t sure how she’d answer that question. She was surprised by it.

“What do you think?” she eventually said, wincing in sympathy as she swiped the worst of the blood away.

“I don’t know. That’s why I asked.”

Yaz sighed as she balled up the bloody material, throwing it to the floor and opening up a new one. The Doctor’s legs bumped softly against her own as she swung them impatiently. Even sitting still she was a ball of energy. Even though she’d almost died, she was eager to get back into the action without pause.

“I don’t think I know, either.”

They were quiet as Yaz finished cleaning away the blood, tilting the Doctor’s hand gently to assess how deep it was. 

“This is really bad,” she grimaced, trying to ignore the nausea rolling through her stomach. She’d seen similar injuries on some of her shifts but she’d never had to deal with one this closely. 

“I had to get us out of there,” the Doctor replied. “I didn’t even notice I’d done it.”

Yaz finally looked up, her eyebrow raised. 

“Really?”

The Doctor nodded, but even though Yaz knew she was lying - she'd heard her gasp of pain at the time - she bit her tongue. Now wasn’t the time. Instead, she picked out a bandage and started to wrap it around the Doctor’s hand, just tight enough that it would stay put through whatever was to come next. 

“Why did you try to hide it from us?”

“My hand?”

“No,” Yaz sighed, a smile tugging at her lips. The Doctor really could be completely oblivious. “The sign. You knew it was Earth.”

“I found out the same time that you did,” the Doctor insisted, watching as Yaz continued to wrap her hand. 

“Even if that’s the case, you didn’t want us to see it.”

The Doctor flinched as Yaz pulled too tightly and she apologised instantly, loosening the dressing. The jagged gash was now out of sight and she taped the gauze closed.

“Done?” the Doctor asked, clearly impatient to get moving, both away from the conversation and into the next challenge. The damage was done, and now it was hidden away from prying eyes. But Yaz knew it was there, and that was enough.

“No, we’re not done,” she pushed back. “You could have died, Doctor! What just happened down there...that was terrifying. But you’re acting like it was no big deal.”

The Doctor shrugged and for the first time, Yaz realised that her sense of self-preservation was much lower than she’d thought. 

“These things happen, Yaz. Orphan planets, mutant creatures, war, death, destruction...all of the very worst things the universe could offer...” 

The Doctor trailed off, looking pensive. 

“And?” Yaz prompted, bemused. 

The Doctor finally looked at her, and Yaz couldn’t even begin to unravel her expression. She seemed haunted.

“And then, just when you lose hope, the universe surprises you. And it gives you the best things it can come up with.”

She reached for Yaz’s hand with her uninjured one, squeezing it lightly. 

Yaz felt dizzy. Surely the Doctor wasn’t talking about her? Their conversation had turned very serious, very quickly, and Yaz felt hugely out of her depth. Especially when the Doctor looked at her like that, in a way that was both open and inscrutable.

“But you know what stays the same, through the good and the bad things? Both can be terrifying. And all you can do, Yaz, is hold on for the ride.”

With that, the Doctor gave Yaz a careful grin and, sensing no further opposition, hopped off the table to her feet. 

Yaz was still trying to digest her words when she reached the door and turned back, something of her old self restored as she inclined her head, beckoning Yaz towards the exit. 

“Yaz? You coming?”

Yaz took a breath and followed the Doctor’s lead.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find me on Twitter @_mag_lex.
> 
> My fics are now on WordPress at maglexfic.wordpress.com. You should be able to subscribe there to all my new ones, since I won't be posting any new fics to Ao3 for the foreseeable future :)


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